


Illumination

by peacefrog



Series: Britin Challenge [1]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Cancer Arc, Episode: s04e07, Gap Filler, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 23:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3429002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacefrog/pseuds/peacefrog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The way he looks at you now, it’s like an epiphany.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illumination

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Britin 30 Day Challenge](http://crossroadscastiel.tumblr.com/post/111907506797/britin-30-day-challenge), Day 1: “The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I. 

_You’re right. You’re absolutely right._

Death preceding imperfections, that’s what you’re hoping for. At least, it’s what you would have hoped for before he came along. 

Before Justin, your life was simple. Live fast, fuck hard, leave a flawless corpse. After Justin, your life has become an illumination. He has painted the deepest, darkest parts of you in brilliant shades of gold.

Nothing will ever be simple again.

—

II.

_It’s not you._

You figure in many ways this is your fault, thinking you would get to keep it. Thinking that all of this could be yours without consequence. It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking tragic.

The way he looks at you now, it’s like an epiphany. Awe and adoration color his features and you know that he is yours. He falls apart beneath your hands and when he comes he says your name like a prayer, like you’re something worth holding onto, something worth living for.

You decide to die with dignity, far away from him and anyone else who would pity you. How you would hate for him to pity you. How you would hate to become his burden. You want him to remember you as you are now, as you always were together, not as some disease, a diagnosis, the vomit on your bathroom floor.

—

III.

_Then what?_

When he first left you for the fiddler it was like someone suddenly switched off the lights. Life with him had been so illuminated that life alone felt more like stumbling around in the dark. The ache in your chest became your constant companion, and it dawns on you that this ache would become his the moment you walked out of his life.

But you also consider how much better off he would be without you. How much better off he would be without this. You wonder if you would be doing him a favor in the end, an act of cruel kindness. If you stay, you would become an obligation, someone he couldn't leave even if he wanted to. 

No, you have decided. You won’t allow it to ever come to that.

—

IV.

_I just want you to know I love you._

But it’s like somewhere along the way you forgot. Forgot that this isn’t your decision to make, not anymore. Grief bites you to the bone when you realize how completely you would be abandoning him. You may never speak the words, but you know now that you love him. You have loved him for a very long time. And he loves you with everything he has. Loves you probably more than you deserve. 

He loves you unconditionally. 

And that’s it right there, isn’t it? That is why this can’t be simple. He clings to you like a sparrow clinging to the last days of summer. He loves you like a drowning man desperate for air. He is as constant as the seasons. 

Before he came along, you were a creature of habit and lust merely surviving. Through him, you have come to understand what it truly means to live.

—

V.

_And I’ll be here when you get back._

Life before Justin was simple. Life after Justin is a beautiful complication. It is hope where nothing resided once. It is becoming something other than yourself, something more. So you will fight in secret. You will fight not only for yourself, but for what you are to each other. For what you have become. For the way he curls into you in the night. For the way he makes you feel like you’re something worth holding onto. Like you’re something worth living for.

And beyond all else, out past the point of nowhere special and eternity, he is something worth living for, too.


End file.
